So while doing Novel Dreamers, I wrote one lovely children's story (check it out here) and one, well not so lovely story. Here is the later discarded draft for your perusal. Don't judge me if I've ruined your childhood I don't know where the idea came from...

 

Novel Nightmares: October 2018 - CSI - Hobbiton

 

 

Talia Burrowes looked from her notes to the mangled body and back again. She reread the witness statement for the third time since arriving on the scene, but the words still hadn't changed. It just didn't make any sense. She puffed out her cheeks then turned to the robed figure lurking in the doorway.

 

"Run me through the injuries again."

 

"My Lady..."

 

"Officer Burrowes."

 

The wizard tugged anxiously at his beard, his gnarled fingers looping through the long grey thatch as he fought between indignation and, fear is a strong word, he wasn't afraid as such. I mean he was a wizard of the first circle, personal friend to Gandalf the Grey. He could tear down mountains with his mind and scorch flesh from bone with a wave of his...

 

Talia's brow drew down in a frown.

 
"Oh!" Vonterous squeaked like a goosed milkmaid. "I mean... well..." The wizard fought to bring his voice down to its usual manly register. "As I said there is severe bruising of the ribs, possibly some internal bleeding. A fracture of the ulna and radius of the left arm as well as the... you know..."
 
Talia fixed the babbling wizard with a frosty glare.
 
"Damage to the umm... testicles."
 
"And he was like this when you found him?"
 
"Right."
 
"You never left him alone at any time before your examination..."
 
"No! The wounds will heal, but he must have been in tremendous pain. I would never leave a patient that way."
 
Talia eyed him for a moment then closed her notebook with a snap that made the elderly gent jump most satisfyingly.
 
"Fine. Dismissed."
 
Talia turned towards the dishevelled looking hobbit in the corner as the wizard hitched up his robe and darted for the exit. "Now you, Gamwich, you slack-jawed waste of second-breakfast. You said you saw the whole incident?"
 
"Yes Ma'am I did."
 
Talia looked down at her notes again. "And you're sure this is the story you're going with?"
 
"Story? Ain't no story. That's the truth as it happened." He pulled at his waistcoat with a touch of indignation that wilted under Talia's stare. "It's the truth, honest it is."
 
"You expect me to believe that old Samuel here, while in full control of his faculties, having only had one pint of ale broke his arm in two places and badly bruised his ribs by falling."
 
"Yes."
 
"While on a perfectly flat surface."
 
"Yes."
 
"With no-one else around."
 
"Yes."
 
"I don't buy it."
 
Ferdinand Gamwich gave her a helpless shrug. "One minute we were standing there having a nice ale, a slice of pie chatting with Primrose and the next, he's laid out on the floor."
 
Talia nodded following along in her notebook.
 
"He started to push himself up when his arm gave way with a crack, and he was back on the floor. It was terrible there was beer and pie all over the floor." Ferdinand stared off into space still seeing the lovely meat pie sitting on the floor in an ever-expanding puddle of foamy, brown ale.
 
"Doesn't really explain the damage to his nudger though..."
 
"Ah... yes... well... after he fell he had a kind of seizure."
 
"A seizure?"
 
"Yes... well, he kind of started to hump the floor... only very vigorously and clearly in tremendous pain."
 
"Does he have a history of humping the ground?"
 
"Not in public."
 
"So let me get this straight," said Talia with a sigh. "A grown man with no previous history of randomly breaking bones or floor humping suddenly toppled over then humped the floor so hard his meat, and two veg swelled up to the size of a prize marrow."
 
"Yes."
 
"And that doesn't sound the least bit odd to you?"
 
"Well, no odder than everything else that has been going on around here lately. I mean pies disappearing off window ledges..."
 
"That's hardly unusual..."
 
"Pies disappearing from larders and ovens and tables..."
 
"Barry," said Talia turning her attention to her hapless deputy. "Is this gentleman right about this pie business?"
 
"Right as rain ma'am. Pie thefts have gone up 689% since those damn Dwarves came to town."
 
"Are there any in town now?"
 
"Not that I know of, but they're sneaky wee devils..."
 
"Incredibly racist but OK. Anything else?"
 
"Well, there was that incident with Jemimah out by the..."
 
Barry was cut off by a high-pitched scream that was so loud it shook the windows.
 
"The Dwarves are back again!" said Barry drawing his cudgel. "Well, they won't get away with any more pies on my watch!" And with that, he charged out of the room and in the direction of the still echoing scream with Talia hot on his heels.
 
Outside Talia slid to a halt as Barry charged off aimlessly into the distance shouting something unintelligible about pies. He was from north Hobbiton, but even so, his fascination with pies was verging on the queer. As Barry crested the hill towards town, the scream came again somewhere off to Talia's left. She spun that way and located the likely source of the disturbance immediately. It was coming from the old Puddifoot place.
 
Barry had disappeared over the hill in the wrong direction, so there was no backup. Talia squared her shoulders. She was the law in this town, and she had never needed the backup before. She loosened her truncheon in the loop in her belt, patted her breast pocket and felt the reassuring shape of her police whistle then strode towards the Puddifoot house as fast as her little hobbit legs would carry her.
 
Talia reached the door and as she raised her hand to knock she heard a voice shouting "Back you fiend! Leave me alone!"
 
Talia lent her shoulder into the door, and it burst open spilling her into the empty living room. A commotion was coming from the rear of the hole, so Talia pulled out her truncheon and charged.
 
She turned the corner and saw a single closed door with thin shafts of light coming from the cracks between the wood and the frame. The trouble must be behind that door. Talia took a second to steel herself then charged through.
 
"Stop police!" she shouted as she ducked into the room shaking her truncheon and looking around for signs of danger. Through the thick cloud of steam, Talia saw Primrose Puddifoot in a state of undress caught somewhere between raising her hands in the air and covering her modesty and achieving neither goal particularly well.
 
"What is all the screaming about?" she asked averting her gaze from the naked figure.
 
"There's a g-g-g-g-ghost!" stuttered Primrose.
 
"Ghost what are you..." Talia cut off as she spied a misty figure huddled in the corner. Her heart lurched in her chest, and her mind screamed at her to run for her life but before she could turn, her training kicked in. She took a breath then stepped towards the ghost with her truncheon raised.
 
"Stop in the name of the law." She saw a spectral head turn towards her then the figure went to dart by her. Talia lashed out with her truncheon not expecting it to connect, but connect it did with a solid thud that drew a groan from the apparition. Caught off guard, she paused for a second then lashed out again catching the ghost a glancing blow to the head. The figure dropped to the floor with a squeal which Talia ignored and instead stepped forward and continued to pound the spiritwith her trusty truncheon. After four of five hits the ghost held up a spectral hand and called out in a somewhat familiar voice.
 
"Stop, please I surrender."
 
Talia gave the ghost one last whack to show it who was boss then held her truncheon out in front of her.
 
"Now what's going on here?"
 
The ghostly figure shifted then vanished to be replaced by...
 
"Mr Baggins! What are you doing here?"
 
"Well umm, you see... I've always been fond of Primrose and..."
 
"Ugh you pervert!" screamed Primrose stepping forward and kicking the miserable hobbit in the stomach.
 
"This is what adventuring does to a hobbit," sighed Talia reaching for her handcuffs.
 
"No, I can't go to jail! Please, I won't last a day," pleaded Bilbo. "I'll leave, just go and never come back."
 
"With that pervert ring? I think not," said Talia.
 
"I'll leave it! I'll give it to Frodo he's a good boy. Believe me, you'll have no trouble from Frodo Baggins."
 
Talia considered a moment then nodded. "Fine but you can never come back. Go and live with those filthy elves we all know what they get up to at night..."
 
"Thank you," said Bilbo dragging himself to his feet. "just one more thing. Please don't tell Frodo..."
 
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