So what am I working on? Well I’m glad you asked! I’m currently going through the final revisions of my first novel A Series of Unfortunate Dereks. It is a comedy about a dimension-hopping murderer and the local government accountant who is out to stop him. Not convinced? Well how about I give you a sneak peak at the first scene see if that changes your mind?
What am I working on? I’m glad you asked! I’m currently working on bunch of things but primarily the final draft of my first novel; A Series of Unfortunate Dereks. It is a comedy about a dimension-hopping murder and the local government accountant out to stop him. Not convinced? Well, how about I give you a sneak peek of the first chapter?
Yeah?
Right here you go… Enjoy!
A Series of Unfortunate Dereks – Chapter One
“Look out!”
The cry came from behind Derek, and he looked over his shoulder to see what all the fuss was about. Across the road, he saw an old man in a hideous brown cardigan, with grey eyebrows the size of snack size Mars bars and glasses so thick he could probably see through time. He was waving. Strange old men rarely waved at Derek, but not one to be rude he raised his hand and offered a tentative wave back. It did not have the desired effect of diffusing the strange situation; in fact, if anything the old man’s wave got even more frantic. Indeed, things only worsened as two well-to-do ladies in matching long blue winter coats and dragging those little, wheeled shopping carts behind them stopped to stare, not at the mad old man but at Derek, their mouths agape. It appeared that the fuss was about him.
As he looked on trying to puzzle out the rules of this odd social situation the two well-to-do ladies started to imitate the mad old man’s wave which had grown in intensity and now included both hands and an unusual sideways motion. Derek, failing to understand the universal sign for ‘get the bloody hell out of the way’, did not move. Instead, he looked up and saw a spear streaking towards him. No, not a spear; it wasn’t wooden, but rather a brightly coloured metal of some kind. It was probably a… his thought was interrupted as the javelin slammed into his shoulder, knocking him to the pavement. ‘Javelin. It’s a javelin not a spear, duh!’ he thought. Then the shock faded as the burning, screaming pain forced its way into his mind.
“Argh!” he cried somewhat belatedly from his position on the cold hard concrete.
“Don’t worry mate I’m here with you,” came a calm voice that was strangely both close by and far away. Derek had his eyes screwed shut so tight he could see spots, so he couldn’t see the man but he had a reassuring voice and smelled of pine needles, and Derek decided to trust him. “Don’t worry mate you’re going to be fine; I’m a trained first-aider.” Then to himself under his breath. “You can do this Stanley, you can do this, just remember your training. What was it they said about things like this? Remove the obstruction?”
White flashed before Derek’s eyes as someone poured white-hot metal into his shoulder, he felt something warm and wet splash on his face. “Argh…” he moaned, batting feebly at the suddenly much less trustworthy stranger.
“I think you’re supposed to leave it in,” said a new voice matter-of-factly.
“Look, lady, I know what I’m doing. I just did my St John’s Ambulance training last summer. You remove the obstruction and…”
Derek felt someone drag a rusty hacksaw across the nerves of his shoulder as the javelin scraped a small furrow in his clavicle.
“Pchawoooargh!”
“No, you leave it in,” said the second voice. “I was an extra on Casualty once; I think I know how to treat a spear wound.”
The javelin scored a deeper groove in the bone as the woman pushed the half-dislodged javelin back in.
“Fukjagrmargle! Schnogrus!”
“Out!”
The javelin scrapped another infinitesimal layer of bone from Derek’s shoulder as it was yanked out. I was going to say ‘imperceptible’, but Derek could undoubtedly perceive it. In actual fact, he perceived it as two tiny demons from the old Disney movies using one of those two-handed tree-felling saws in some sort of cruel amputation attempt.
“In!”
Derek wasn’t quite sure what he’d done to these people, but judging from how much they seemed to hate him he felt he would have to send them a lengthy and heartfelt apology letter when they stopped trying to kill him.
“Out!”
The pain was now an all-encompassing thing; it felt almost spiritual, burning with a righteous fire hot enough to melt the meat from his bones.
“In!”
There was a crack as the javelin snapped his clavicle and Derek let out a low moan of agony. It didn’t make him feel any better, but it seemed like the thing to do.
“Someone call an ambulance before these idiots kill him,” came a third voice and Derek silently thanked him as he slowly drifted into darkness.
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Enjoy that? Well, keep your eyes peeled for more coming in 2019, probably… I do have a small human to look after you know.